Then And A Lot Of Now

Guitars around camp fires
Green mountains
Heat
Dirt and dust
Rivers and sometimes the ocean
Rice fields
Jungle
Lush, lush jungle
The sun
Sunrise
Sunset
Always the sun
The sky red
Or blue
Or in between

Landscape passing by
Looking out
From the bus
From the train
From the back of a truck
Just sitting
Somewhere
Watching the world fly by
Wind blowing my hair
Or not

The world flew past
And I watched it
Felt it
Was part of it

Was that me?
I don't remember her
But she remembers me
I do remember her
I remember

Now life passes
While I watch
I can't stop it
Can't slow it down
It's passing
Where is it going?
Am I going?

Panic
My chest filled with ice
It's hard inside my ribs
I can't breathe
The rest of me is crying
I'm crying

Memories
Moments
Feelings
Freedom

Freedom?

Nothing is real
Really matters
And I'm full
Of nothing at all
Full of empty
Or too much of everything

I can't empty it out
I'm drowning in it

Dreams Can Hurt Too

I haven’t thought about you
For the longest time

It used to be an
All-the-time thing
Now it's a
Not-really-at-all thing

Then I dreamt
About you

I dreamt
I went to your work
I don’t even know where that is
But in my dream
I do

So
I go in
On the pretence of having business
On the pretence of not seeing you

I pretend not to see you
Of course
I pretend

You look different
I think
But it's you
I like how you look
Now
As if I would ever
Not like you
I would always
Like you
I would

You pretend not to see me

So many glances
Out of the corners of eyes

Then I leave
I no longer have a reason to stay
To be
In the same place as you

Outside
I wait around
Outside the entrance
By the lift
Pretending the lift hasn’t come
I haven’t pushed the button
Not yet
Just in case
But
I pretend

And then you come out
I'm so hopeful
No I'm not
I pretend I'm not

You pretend you have reason to be there
Outside
Where I am

You pretend to suddenly notice me
And then
There are smiles
Creased faces
And teeth
Smiling faces
Smiling eyes
Eyes smiling
At each other
Not pretending
No more pretending
No more
Pretending

And I think
Really?

We go back inside
Sit down
Together
In the same place
You
And I
In the same place
And
I don’t want to feel
Excited
Hopeful
But slowly it creeps
Creeps inside

There is so much
There is
So much

Smiling

Then you reach for me

You
Reach
For me

Your hand closes around my wrist
And I remember your hands
My wrist so small

Your hand closes around my wrist
Tight

And you pull me towards you

I sit up in my bed
Awake

The Sad Hand

I really thought it was you
Stood by the bus stop
My bus stop
This morning

I didn't once consider that it would be bloody strange
For you to be there
At my bus stop

The heart doesn't work like that
The brain
Ruled by the heart
Doesn't think like that
And most certainly
Does not let the eyes see like that

So
I thought it was you
And my heart was in my throat
In my eyes
And then I didn't want to see
Couldn't see
Just in case

Panic
What will I do?
What will I say?
Will I smile?
Make conversation?

No
I look away and walk past you
Head turned
Looking for the bus
Where is the bus?
So you only get the back of my head

And inside I hurt
Because you don't recognise me
The back of my head
Because you don't say hi
And I wish so much that you would
And I'm back at square one

That feeling
That wishing
That hoping
That you would call
Message
Want to see me
Show you like me
Give a fuck whether I exist or not

The bus comes
Finally
Enough standing around

I walk to the door
I turn
I have to be sure

It's not you
Of course it isn't
As if it ever was
The levels of stupid I feel right now
Overwhelming
Kind of like what people washed away by a tsunami must feel
Just before they drown

I sit down on the bus
Look out the window
At the person that isn't you
And the sad hand wraps itself firmly around my heart
Again

Just when I think I've beaten it
Have perhaps run it out of me
Maybe I'm stronger than the sad hand now?

It comes back
And all it takes
Is a person who isn't even you

Stupid Fucking Girl

Stupid fucking girl, she’s always trying to open the same door. I can see her from here, standing outside the house. She looks around to see if anyone is watching, but she can't see me, can't feel my eyes burning a hole in her head from where I stand, staring, hidden by the trees.

Of course she reaches for the handle and tries to turn the knob. Of course it wont turn. It’s the wrong fucking house and the wrong fucking door. Even if it were the right house, and even if the key had fit, had turned the lock – click – it would still be the wrong door. It’s always the wrong door. 

But watch her persist, time and time again, constantly trying to open it. Stupid fucking girl. She never learns. She’ll never learn. She’ll keep coming back to the house, putting in the keys and grabbing at the doorknob. And she’ll always end up standing there, left to stare at the door that is wrong.

She’ll never see me, watching everything, knowing the door is wrong. Never feel my stare, never sense my loathing. She’ll die out there, outside that door, hoping and trying. And I’ll see it all. Stupid fucking girl.

...

Spewing

It’s not your first time

And it’s not your last

It isn’t food poisoning

It isn’t coincidence

Half an hour after dinner

Halfway down the row of doors

This time

Every time

It’s so important

Perhaps it’s your silence that gives you away

Your silence in between the moments I am not supposed to share

The moments I am not supposed to know about

The moments I don’t know how to handle because they’re like a punch in the throat

The moments that feel like claws on my bones

I’m gasping

No

I’m holding my breath

I know you’re waiting for me to leave

You know I’m in here

Halfway down the row from you

But you don’t know I’m listening

You don’t know

That I know

The air conditioning hums

I sit here and listen to the thing that isn’t happening

I bet you’re wondering what I’m doing

Why I haven't left yet

I know you heard me come in

Maybe you’re getting angry and frustrated

Waiting and hoping that I will leave

But I can’t now

Your need is getting stronger

I know what you’re dying to do

The walls close in on me

Get thicker and heavier

I wonder if they’re closing in on you

I wonder if you’re listening to me

Like I’m listening to you

I’ve been here so long now

Neither of us can pretend any longer

You can’t hold out

And I need to hear it

Need to hear you shove your fingers down your throat again

Need to hear you bring it up and get it out

You’re disgusted

By your need to do it

I’m disgusted

By my need to hear you

...

Through and through

There is a hole inside of me
From front to back
Like a bullet wound

Maybe I was standing on the street one time

Alone
Minding my own business

And

Maybe someone drove by
In a “drive-by”

And shot me

Loaded the chamber
Finger on the trigger
Aimed

And shot

Me

Through and through

The bullet ripped open my front
Tore my skin, burnt, seared it

Smashed its way through me
Damaging everything in its path
Everything inside me

Exit

The back of me

I can’t see the marks but I know they’re there
I feel the blood dripping out
Fast

So I have this hole in me now

And I can’t fill it

Nothing can

Eventually I will bleed out
This is a given
It doesn’t even need to be said

Even if you don’t know it

I do.

....

Emptiness
Convulsion
Uncontrollable
Spasmodic

Psychotic reactions

Innocuousness

Why bother

Move along pretty girl

Risk it all

Throw it all away

Become a star

Part of a constellation of many
You won’t be alone then

But you will die
Fade

Slowly

But surely

You will fade to black

Nothingless

Oblivion

Heaven.