Tuesday, January 9, 2018

Endings

When death comes you think it will be a thunderclap
That it will devastate you
Leaving nothing behind

When death comes you think it will be a thunderclap
That it will be explosive
Overwhelming you

When death comes you think it will be a thunderclap
That it will strike you down
Bringing you to your knees in one hit

When death comes you think it will be a thunderclap
The sound of it decimating you
Flattening you to nothing

But when it finally arrives
It will have been on the road to you for some time
Painstakingly but surely making its way

When death comes you think it will be a thunderclap
But when it gets to you
There is no sound
There is nothing


Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Catharsis

I knew the moment we met
That I should walk away
But I didn’t

I let you in
Gave you a little bit of me

You didn’t notice
The little bit I put out for you
I guess it wasn’t shiny enough
To get your attention

Your door was always closed
I thought then
Because you were closed-off
Played your cards close to your chest

How can I have been so wrong?
I was so wrong
About you
I was so wrong

I didn’t see it
Then
I thought
Hoped
Wanted
So much for your door to be closed
For other reasons

I didn’t see it
I believed
You were
Who I thought you
Wanted so much for you to
Be
But

I see now
It was closed
It is closed
Because there was nothing behind it
There is nothing behind it
For me

I wasn’t shiny enough
I am not shiny enough
I will never be shiny enough
For you

Again and again
I let you in

They say
Insanity is doing the same thing
Over and over
And expecting a different result

I am insane
I expected a different result
I hoped for a different result

Again and again
Until

Until

A moment in time
Such a teeny tiny moment
A mere blip

That moment
When someone stabs you
Through the heart

Sometimes you don’t feel it right away
Sometimes you laugh
Make a joke
Act the smartass

And then
A bit later
Perhaps even just as you stop laughing

You realise
You get it

You fucking GET IT

That is when it stabs you
That is when you feel it
That is when suddenly
You see it
You see him

You SEE him

I see you

And that is when you bleed
As it leaks out of you
Warm and wet
It is full of things you want to disown
Things you wish weren’t inside

Things you wish you could take back 
Things I wish I could take back 

I wish

I cared about you
I fucking CARED about you

I loved you

No

I loved what I thought was you
The idea I painted in my mind
Inside myself
Of the man I thought
I hoped so much
You were
Not

And you
So carelessly
So nonchalantly
Tore me open
Right open

You don't even seen the wound
You don’t even see the wound
You don’t see
Anything

All the little bits  
Small pieces I never ever shared with you
How do you know?
How do you fucking KNOW?

How to hurt me so much
To scar in a way not many can
To cut me in a way I had forgotten
I could be
Cut into

Take all those slivers
Of everything I fear
Of everything I hate
Of everything  

Take them
Put them down
In front of you
Look at them

Probably not

Set them alight
Walk away
Don’t look back

You made a cut in me
You can't take back
You pierced the softest part of me
The part I can’t cover with my armour
The part I thought was
Covered
That I thought you couldn't see
Didn't know about

The part that hurts the most

And then I bleed
Then I feel it
And then

I have been here before

If I don’t tear you out  
Of me
If I don’t take back
The little bit
Of me
That I gave to you

That you don’t want
That you don’t even fucking KNOW
I gave you

I will be here again
Eventually I will be here
Again

But maybe
Maybe
If I'm strong enough
If I'm cold enough
I won’t

Maybe 
I won’t


Thursday, July 26, 2012

Then And A Lot Of Now

Guitars around camp fires
Green mountains
Heat
Dirt and dust
Rivers and sometimes the ocean
Rice fields
Jungle
Lush, lush jungle
The sun
Sunrise
Sunset
Always the sun
The sky red
Or blue
Or in between

Landscape passing by
Looking out
From the bus
From the train
From the back of a truck
Just sitting
Somewhere
Watching the world fly by
Wind blowing my hair
Or not

The world flew past
And I watched it
Felt it
Was part of it

Was that me?
I don't remember her
But she remembers me
I do remember her
I remember

Now life passes
While I watch
I can't stop it
Can't slow it down
It's passing
Where is it going?
Am I going?

Panic
My chest filled with ice
It's hard inside my ribs
I can't breathe
The rest of me is crying
I'm crying

Memories
Moments
Feelings
Freedom

Freedom?

Nothing is real
Really matters
And I'm full
Of nothing at all
Full of empty
Or too much of everything

I can't empty it out
I'm drowning in it

Thursday, May 17, 2012

Dreams Can Hurt Too

I haven’t thought about you
For the longest time

It used to be an
All-the-time thing
Now it's a
Not-really-at-all thing

Then I dreamt
About you

I dreamt
I went to your work
I don’t even know where that is
But in my dream
I do

So
I go in
On the pretence of having business
On the pretence of not seeing you

I pretend not to see you
Of course
I pretend

You look different
I think
But it's you
I like how you look
Now
As if I would ever
Not like you
I would always
Like you
I would

You pretend not to see me

So many glances
Out of the corners of eyes

Then I leave
I no longer have a reason to stay
To be
In the same place as you

Outside
I wait around
Outside the entrance
By the lift
Pretending the lift hasn’t come
I haven’t pushed the button
Not yet
Just in case
But
I pretend

And then you come out
I'm so hopeful
No I'm not
I pretend I'm not

You pretend you have reason to be there
Outside
Where I am

You pretend to suddenly notice me
And then
There are smiles
Creased faces
And teeth
Smiling faces
Smiling eyes
Eyes smiling
At each other
Not pretending
No more pretending
No more
Pretending

And I think
Really?

We go back inside
Sit down
Together
In the same place
You
And I
In the same place
And
I don’t want to feel
Excited
Hopeful
But slowly it creeps
Creeps inside

There is so much
There is
So much

Smiling

Then you reach for me

You
Reach
For me

Your hand closes around my wrist
And I remember your hands
My wrist so small

Your hand closes around my wrist
Tight

And you pull me towards you

I sit up in my bed
Awake

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

The Sad Hand

I really thought it was you
Stood by the bus stop
My bus stop
This morning

I didn't once consider that it would be bloody strange
For you to be there
At my bus stop

The heart doesn't work like that
The brain
Ruled by the heart
Doesn't think like that
And most certainly
Does not let the eyes see like that

So
I thought it was you
And my heart was in my throat
In my eyes
And then I didn't want to see
Couldn't see
Just in case

Panic
What will I do?
What will I say?
Will I smile?
Make conversation?

No
I look away and walk past you
Head turned
Looking for the bus
Where is the bus?
So you only get the back of my head

And inside I hurt
Because you don't recognise me
The back of my head
Because you don't say hi
And I wish so much that you would
And I'm back at square one

That feeling
That wishing
That hoping
That you would call
Message
Want to see me
Show you like me
Give a fuck whether I exist or not

The bus comes
Finally
Enough standing around

I walk to the door
I turn
I have to be sure

It's not you
Of course it isn't
As if it ever was
The levels of stupid I feel right now
Overwhelming
Kind of like what people washed away by a tsunami must feel
Just before they drown

I sit down on the bus
Look out the window
At the person that isn't you
And the sad hand wraps itself firmly around my heart
Again

Just when I think I've beaten it
Have perhaps run it out of me
Maybe I'm stronger than the sad hand now?

It comes back
And all it takes
Is a person who isn't even you

Sunday, February 12, 2012

Stupid Fucking Girl

Stupid fucking girl, she’s always trying to open the same door. I can see her from here, standing outside the house. She looks around to see if anyone is watching, but she can't see me, can't feel my eyes burning a hole in her head from where I stand, staring, hidden by the trees.

Of course she reaches for the handle and tries to turn the knob. Of course it wont turn. It’s the wrong fucking house and the wrong fucking door. Even if it were the right house, and even if the key had fit, had turned the lock – click – it would still be the wrong door. It’s always the wrong door. 

But watch her persist, time and time again, constantly trying to open it. Stupid fucking girl. She never learns. She’ll never learn. She’ll keep coming back to the house, putting in the keys and grabbing at the doorknob. And she’ll always end up standing there, left to stare at the door that is wrong.

She’ll never see me, watching everything, knowing the door is wrong. Never feel my stare, never sense my loathing. She’ll die out there, outside that door, hoping and trying. And I’ll see it all. Stupid fucking girl.

...

Spewing

It’s not your first time
And it’s not your last
It isn’t food poisoning
It isn’t coincidence

Half an hour after dinner
Halfway down the row of doors
This time
Every time
It’s so important

Perhaps it’s your silence that gives you away
Your silence in between the moments I am not supposed to share
The moments I am not supposed to know about
The moments I don’t know how to handle because they’re like a punch in the throat
The moments that feel like claws on my bones

I’m gasping
No
I’m holding my breath

I know you’re waiting for me to leave
You know I’m in here
Halfway down the row from you
But you don’t know I’m listening
You don’t know
That I know

The air conditioning hums
I sit here and listen to the thing that isn’t happening

I bet you’re wondering what I’m doing
Why I haven't left yet
I know you heard me come in
Maybe you’re getting angry and frustrated
Waiting and hoping that I will leave
But I can’t now

Your need is getting stronger
I know what you’re dying to do

The walls close in on me
Get thicker and heavier
I wonder if they’re closing in on you
I wonder if you’re listening to me
Like I’m listening to you

I’ve been here so long now
Neither of us can pretend any longer
You can’t hold out
And I need to hear it

Need to hear you shove your fingers down your throat again
Need to hear you bring it up and get it out

You’re disgusted
By your need to do it
I’m disgusted
By my need to hear you

...